The final chemo week is behind us. I find it hard to believe that this much time has passed. When the day came that marked two months since diagnosis, kev and I separately had little celebrations in our minds, but only admitted it to eachother a few days ago. Originally they had given him two months, and here we are now, passed that dreaded point, his colour looking better, his energy up. I have to admit it makes it hard to trust doctors sometimes. At least the doctors he deals with now don't mention things like time lines and life spans. They seem to know better.

This week hasn't been without drama however. They did warn us that as the chemo accumulated in the body the side effects could become worse. They weren't kidding. Kev was very ill this time. In our sixteen years together I have never seen him so violently ill. It did finally subside, but the nausea came in waves over the next few days, relentlessly picking away at his energy. The neuropathy was back as well. The numbness in his fingers as well as the what can only be described as electric shock like sensitivity to cold. It was imperative that he only drink warm beverages, as the cold sensitivity could cause his throat to constrict. It was a nightmare.

It is monday, and the nausea has passed, but the neuropathy continues, though less than the last few days. We are still hopeful that it will completely disappear, that is a possibility. Today is scan day, and both of us are nervous. There is so much riding on the outcome of these scans. It is what will dictate our next moves, our direction. My mind only allows for one outcome, Kev's mind has the same limitation. I prefer to focus on the fact that in fifty eight days we will be holding our beautiful Tadhgan in our arms. Quinlan and Cian are excited about their new baby brother. He has managed to kick them both by now, and that has them fascinated and amazed. It is really wonderful to hear both boys talk about all the things they will teach the baby. It seems they already love him as much as kev and I do. It is these things we are focusing on when the future is brought up. Nothing else. That way the future is not tainted by what ifs, but what will be's, and that's just better for now.