Friday, 24 February 2012

Here we go again, on the merry-go-round that never seems to stop in the same place twice. Again my life has flipped over, or has it flipped back? I have lost track. All I really know is that I keep moving forward somehow.

It was some time after new years eve that Kev returned, to me and his family. He is back to being the Kevin I know, and for that I cannot express how grateful I am. We have put those two and a half months behind us, have decided together to move forward and leave that awful time in the past. I find it comforting that I have been able to forget so easily, but forgiveness comes easy when I know it wasn't really Kev making the decisions he did. Anyone who knows Kev could tell the difference between him and this other person he became for that period. The stranger is gone now, and that's all I care about.

With the return of my Kev came the realization that the cancer still exists. That has been a hard realization as it's almost like reliving it all over again. He has been off chemo since September, and the scans that were set for Feb. 6th were daunting to say the least. There was still the hope that things were o.k., and that the cancer had been held off somehow. We weren't in a dreamworld where we thought it was gone, but hoping for the best is just part of the game. I think without hope I wouldn't be able to handle the ride. There has always been hope, through it all. There still is. I truly did believe that the results would be good though, as we were to get them on Valentine's day. Love is supposed to win out isn't it?

The results weren't good. Though the cancer is still contained in his liver, the tumors have doubled in size, some even more so. His doctor was quick to point out however that he is not back at square one, the double measurement from their shrunken size, not their original size. Again I found myself in a hospital exam room with the breath sucked out of me, this time not holding my belly, but bouncing a beautiful baby on my lap. He was so beautifully unaware of his surroundings and of what was being said. I found myself listening, but staring at the baby, gravitating towards the pure goodness in the room. It made my heart hurt to watch Kev have to absorb this news. He looked so sad, but somehow not surprised. In some way he had been expecting it. He hasn't been feeling well, his right side causing him pain more often, his weight beginning to slip.

There are a few options chemo related that have to be discussed, new directions to be decided. It is another fork in the road and we are just hopeful that the right path will be chosen. In the mean time, we still focus on life. I have been accepted into teacher's college that starts this summer, a focus for the future. Most of all we focus on the present. If you don't, it becomes your past way too fast. This week marks our one year anniversary. A cancer anniversary. Bittersweet. Bitter because there is such a hard battle ahead of us, sweet because they gave him two months last year. Unlike last year, this week has been filled with family dinners, watching movies, spending time in the hot tub, laughing. We are spending our time better, cherishing this time always and will continue to do so.