Saturday, 31 December 2011

It has been a long, long time. Feels like a lifetime with all that has happened in the last few months. The game changers keep coming at me with a vengeance and I am doing my best to wade through the rubble they leave in their wake. I am not always successful.

It was about two months ago now that things took a turn for the worse in a way that I wasn't expecting. Kev had some sort of mental breakdown, screamed throughout the night, told me I was responsible for his cancer and that he wants a divorce. He was out of his mind and I could do nothing to stop the rant, nor change the outcome. He left that next morning and nothing has been the same since.

He did have another scan, which showed two new lesions on his liver and minimal growth, though this information came to me through reports I read, as he doesn't want me involved in his care at all. He proceeded to have the loop colostomy closed, his oncologist agreeing to this surgery with the warning that there could be further growth due to the delay from treatment while recuperating from the surgery. All of this to him is a non issue however, as in the state that he is in, he truly believes he is cancer free and no longer needs treatment.

I am truly trying to do my best in this very difficult situation, but can't seem to keep the hurt and anger away at times. I feel like I am in mourning, my life and family forever changed, and none of it for the good. I just want to shake him sometimes, bring back the kev I knew and loved, and send away this stranger that has taken his place. He is happier being this stranger right now, as this stranger doesn't have to fight for his life, this stranger can forget about 18 years of loving someone, this stranger has no responsibilities to anyone.

It is new years eve, and I sit here counting down the minutes until this year is finally behind me. Even with all the hurt, I still wish for peace in this new year that is upon me, I still wish for life and health for Kev, and the hope that he finds the peace he is obviously looking for. It really does sadden me to say that cancer was able to claim a life this year, the life that was my family. I will not however let it win, and I will rebuild, with my three beautiful boys at my side. So a very happy new years to all, and may blessings abound in this new and full of promise year...xo.