It has been a long, long time. Feels like a lifetime with all that has happened in the last few months. The game changers keep coming at me with a vengeance and I am doing my best to wade through the rubble they leave in their wake. I am not always successful.
It was about two months ago now that things took a turn for the worse in a way that I wasn't expecting. Kev had some sort of mental breakdown, screamed throughout the night, told me I was responsible for his cancer and that he wants a divorce. He was out of his mind and I could do nothing to stop the rant, nor change the outcome. He left that next morning and nothing has been the same since.
He did have another scan, which showed two new lesions on his liver and minimal growth, though this information came to me through reports I read, as he doesn't want me involved in his care at all. He proceeded to have the loop colostomy closed, his oncologist agreeing to this surgery with the warning that there could be further growth due to the delay from treatment while recuperating from the surgery. All of this to him is a non issue however, as in the state that he is in, he truly believes he is cancer free and no longer needs treatment.
I am truly trying to do my best in this very difficult situation, but can't seem to keep the hurt and anger away at times. I feel like I am in mourning, my life and family forever changed, and none of it for the good. I just want to shake him sometimes, bring back the kev I knew and loved, and send away this stranger that has taken his place. He is happier being this stranger right now, as this stranger doesn't have to fight for his life, this stranger can forget about 18 years of loving someone, this stranger has no responsibilities to anyone.
It is new years eve, and I sit here counting down the minutes until this year is finally behind me. Even with all the hurt, I still wish for peace in this new year that is upon me, I still wish for life and health for Kev, and the hope that he finds the peace he is obviously looking for. It really does sadden me to say that cancer was able to claim a life this year, the life that was my family. I will not however let it win, and I will rebuild, with my three beautiful boys at my side. So a very happy new years to all, and may blessings abound in this new and full of promise year...xo.
Either he has metastases in his brain, or he is trying to be a hero, and let you go. Either way this disease has taken more than enough from you and your family. You are the center of the universes to your boys, and their love will keep you strong. They are proof that your love was real, you were not fooled or deceived. Have heart Catherine, how people treat you in life is their path, how you react to it is your path. You are in my thoughts!
ReplyDeleteDawn
Dear Kat,
ReplyDeleteI can only imagine what you're going through. And you have a very strong support group that you can rely on whenever you need it. I'd like to count myself in that group.
The best advice I can give you is to hang on to your kids. Their childhood years are so short and you need to enjoy them while you can. They will be teenagers in the blink of an eye (I know that from experience - in the "good old days" my children were 8 and 4; they are now 20 and 16!). You need to fight to create great memories, for you and for them. Every day with your children needs to be cherished. They grow up so fast. And as hard as it is, they need you to be strong. When you can't be strong, get a sitter and take a break. When they are older you can explain why you weren't always strong. But not while they are young. Give them every ray of sunshine that you can muster.
I'm sorry I'm just seeing this post now, I hope things have improved for you in the past two months. Please send me a message - carol.skidmore@rbc.com, I really care, and would love to help in any way I can. Please tell Kevin that I'm thinking of him, and praying for your family.