Friday, 26 August 2011

I can't believe how much time has passed since my last post. Life has been a flurry of activity between chemo appointments and taking care of three little boys. Kev and I are at a constant sprint just to keep up.

Chemo started this round with a roar. We are still trying to figure out the right way to manage the meds so that he isn't sick. We weren't that successful the first round of this course and Kev was the most sick he has been, dry-heaving well into the early hours of the morning. It was one of the longest nights of my life so far. Tadhgan, sensing his daddy's pain, was up most of the night as well, leaving me bouncing from one to the other, torn in two.

Round two we decided to do things a little differently. Kev agreed to take his anti-nausea meds in the car on the way home from sunnybrook. I was hoping it would ward off any problems as taking it at home proved to be too late last time. It seemed to work and he had a pretty decent night all things considered. He felt so good that the next day he decided to come to Quin and Cian's soccer game. There was a chill in the air that wednesday, and the cold sensitivity he has kicked in with a vengeance. He smiled, said he was going back to the car to warm up. I sat there watching Quin play with Cian and Tadhgan at my side sad, knowing how much it hurt him to have to walk away from the game. I didn't know until my friend Deanna showed up at the field to pick us all up that Kev had gone back to the car only to be violently ill in the parking lot. He managed to drive himself home, again violently ill in the driveway and called Deanna for help, knowing he couldn't go back and get us at the field. It makes my heart ache to see how hard he has to fight every minute of every day, and how hard he works at protecting the kids from the horrors of this disease. The kids have normalized a lot of what goes on on a daily basis, only focusing on the fact that daddy is here, still gets breakfast, still kisses them goodnight.

It was a beautiful saturday in August that my friend Deanna got married to her lovely fiancee Steve, and I walked with her at the wedding as one of her bridesmaids. A magical wedding it was, made more so by Kev being there at my side. I watched him throughout the evening, laughing, smiling, joking. It was that rare night where I could forget what was happening, could pretend for a short while that everything was back to normal. We danced that night, and I will not soon forget the feeling of being in his arms on a dancefloor, sweet music filling the room. It was a gift that I carry with me and call upon when I am feeling sad and down. It makes me smile so I hold onto it with all my strength.

We have just come through another chemo week, this time feeling like we have found the right recipe for success. He has not been ill this time. It is a small victory in a series of battles and we'll take it. His doctor talked to us about taking him off this chemo, taking a small break and putting him on another cocktail. They are becoming more and more concerned about the neuropathic side effects he has been experiencing. We have one more round to go in this cycle, then the next scan. Then they change it up. Just when we feel like we got it right, there is going to be a game changer. I am forever reminding myself to be more hopeful than afraid and to keep my heart in the present. Life is about the journey. It isn't the end of the road that tells the story of our life, it's the road itself. I have my seatbelt on, it's one hell of a bumpy ride right now......but we're holding on.............